If you are going to “ROCK” it, at least “ROCK” it in a way that makes a difference!
Why the grey rock approach is not trauma-sensitive, and how a metamorphic rock approach is more impactful!
I recently read an article that suggested leaders take a "grey rock" approach to certain unsafe employee behaviors in the workplace that might trigger another employee's trauma response in the hopes that the bad behavior will stop when the perpetrator loses interest. While the article was not promoting this concept for physical or sexual misconduct, it was promoting it for triggering behaviors that may be harder to control. The problem here is that, despite it being an article on trauma-informed workplaces, it completely overlooks the affects the “grey rocking” has on the impacted employee(s).
If you don't know what "grey rocking" is - it an approach most often found when dealing with a toxic, often narcissistic person, in your life. The gist of the approach is that when dealing with these challenge people, one take the form of a grey rock and be unresponsive to the behavior with the belief that the toxic person will lose interest and the behavior will change. It is a viable and valuable approach for the person subject to the abuse/behaviors/events.
It is NOT a stance that leadership should take related to potentially damaging behavior in the hopes that the triggering behavior will eventually stop. Grey rocking is a technique meant to support the impacted person in 1:1 interactions with the toxic person not as a management technique.
Taking a grey rock approach to bad employee behavior as a leader means that in an attempt to shift the bad behavior in the offending employee to improve their performance you are allowing the behavior to do harm to other employees for an unspecified amount of time. And that is employees plural - because remember almost 20 percent of your organization has a significant trauma story and 5 percent have PTSD/C-PTSD and if it is affecting one it is probably affecting many.
Now grey rocking might be easier for you as a leader. I mean you are busy, you aren't a babysitter, these small technically legal infractions seem ridiculous to you even. But PREVENTING HARM is your job as a leader. And creating these psychologically safe environments is good business for those who want to understand the business case over the people case. Productivity increases. Absenteeism decreases. Quality increases. Turnover decreases. Innovation and collaboration increases. PROFIT INCREASES.
Think of it in terms of Stephen M.R. Covey's Speed of Trust concept - that is when trust (and safety) increase certain positive variables increase and negative variables decrease.
In fact, my amazing colleague Philippa Mathewson shared some staggering statistics from a recent Gallup poll...the loss of productivity due to disengaged employees is equal to 9% of the GDP or $8.8 trillion. Research shows that a sizeable portion of the disengagement is due to active trauma response which can be mitigated through education, awareness, and well, not being an A-hole to others.
Leadership has a responsibility to create safe environments not just physically but mentally/emotionally for all its employees...sure grey-rocking/ignoring the seemingly little things is the easy route, there is probably even short-term cost savings in that approach but the long-term implications to employee well-being, brand reputation, retention, and the bottom line are far greater than the short-term benefits.
Grey rocking these behaviors creates institutional betrayal "through failure to prevent or respond supportively to wrongdoings by individuals committed within the context of the institution" (Freyd, 2008). Instead we must act with Institutional Courage and do the right thing despite what the short-term challenges and potential discomfort might be (Freyd, 2014).
So what are some of these potentially impacting behaviors:
Promoting competition instead of collaboration
Authoritarian power dynamics that show up in physical presence, language, and gesture as well as command and control approaches
Excusing seemingly innocuous bad behavior - for example, not calling out excessively loud or angry communication, exclusionary and inflammatory behavior like gossip or relentless “teasing,” or repeatedly letting one person's bad planning impact the well-being of another.
For me personally, this last one had me in deep trauma response for decades in my own career as someone who managed high pressure, concrete deadline driven positions that required input of subject matter experts. SMEs who had little regard for the deadlines I set, the critical nature of the win-work process of professional service firms, and who were told that it was okay because their project demands, lives, wives, families, vacations, you name it, was more important.
You see, for people who suffered neglect, abandonment, abuse, etc. as children, the development of the belief that everything is your fault, that everyone else’s needs are more important than your own is common. You develop coping skills that ensure your safety by denying even your most basic needs to ensure others lives are easier. This trauma response is known as fawning. Fawning is characterized by chronic people-pleasing, workaholism, excessive apologizing, and self-denying behaviors.
In a workplace where it is communicated explicitly or implicitly that someone else’s needs are more important we are creating the perfect environment for trauma response. I’m not talking about those one-time emergency situations, of course. Things happen. I’m talking about the constant offenders. In those moments, by “grey rocking” In honoring one person’s needs due to their own lack of planning, schedule, family needs we are often creating a scenario where another person is required to work overtime, skip lunches, take away from their own care or the care of their family. And…we are potentially setting off an INVOLUNTARY trauma response in the countless staff members who have been impacted by trauma.
Keeping your employees in trauma response by not creating policies and procedures that help to minimize triggering events also means that you, your company, and your customers are missing out on the incredible assets that those with PTSD and trauma challenges are to an organization.
The Metamorphic Rock Approach
So how do we do right by all of our employees, including ourselves? Keeping with the rock analogy, I think the right approach is the metaphoric rock approach.
Metamorphic rocks arise from the transformation of existing rock to new types of rock in a process called metamorphism. The rocks form when high-heat, high pressure, and other forces create an impact on the existing rock creating something new, beautiful, strong, and powerful. Marble, for example, is a metamorphic rock. And so is Anthracite, which is transformed coal. In this new form, Anthracite is thought to be a grounding energy that helps individuals achieve their goals as well as help to clear emotional and physical wounds and past experiences.
Being a metamorphic rock like Anthracite is far more impactful, and transformative for your team in the long-run than being a grey rock. Yes, it will require you not to shy away from turning up the heat on the offenders, perhaps putting a little pressure on changing the oft ignored, minor behaviors that are actual causing some major damage. However, in the long-run being willing to actively address these issues has power to transform your employee base and your corporate culture.
The offending person is given an opportunity to learn, grow, and reach heights possibly not attainable previously because they are just known as that A-hole.
The trauma-impacted person feels seen, heard, and cared for…in short, they feel safe. This safety pulls them out of trauma response increasing productivity, loyalty, and quality.
As a leader, you find new ways to connect with your teams, show your commitment, and flex new skills and vulnerability.
The overall culture heals and transforms a little each time everyone sees that the “it’s just the way it is” infractions are not tolerated but are handled in a meaningful way that benefits everyone.
Brand reputation for talent acquisition and retention shifts into a reputation for psychological safety, employee well-being, and action.
Taking Action
Trauma-responsive practices and a Metamorphic Rock approach do not happen overnight. It is in starting the conversations and taking the small steps that make a difference.
What is one opportunity you can identify today that might make a major difference in healing your culture in the future?
Need some help thinking through it? Reach out, please! Sometimes a situational assessment or idea generation session with someone on the outside is all it takes to get the juices flowing!
One way to filter through these behaviors is using the i.d.lumination framework for psychological safety.
June is PTSD Awareness Month which makes it the perfect time to consider how trauma is affecting your employees and your organization.